Sunday, May 20, 2018

In Bed with John and Yoko

I found this interview in a scrapbook.  Sadly whoever owned it, super-glued the pages into the book and some of the interview was on the back of the page, so it is not the complete interview. 

FYI:  This interview is a bit rated R.

In Bed With John and Yoko (or who beat the Beatles off?)
By Jim Buckley

A funny thing happened to me on my way to Montreal last month.  It took me two hours to get through Customs, and then, even though I had $500 in my pocket, got permission to stay for only 24 hours.  What happened was my brother opened his big mouth and mentioned that we were from SCREW and were up there to interview John Lennon.   He apparently forgot that Lennon spent 7 hours at Customs and only got a ten-day visa!  Well, we did manage to get through but not before David's big mouth was covered and he was forced to suck the dick of the Customs Lieutenant.  I was spared the view of this disgusting act since they retired to a private office together. 

Even then we got one day, so I wonder what you gotta do for TEN days?

Getting by the diddyboppers in the lobby of the Queen Elizabeth Hotel was the last major obstacle to the Fab Four (as John Lennon would say).  The Camera Crew from WNEW-TV, Metro Media, who were up there were doing their thing for a Friday night Special.  When I first entered the Lennon & Ono (oh yeah?) Suite, there was a rush to see who would shake my hand first.  Yoko Ono won the bout and I was completely taken aback by her charm and beauty, notwithstanding the fact that she fell in love with me at first sight.   And there was John Lennon at my feet with a bucket of water.  He wanted to wash my feet with his hair!  I kindly reminded him that I was wearing shoes, but that if he could find some bootlick, I'd be delighted to accommodate myself to a spit shine.   I finally got to meet Derek and shook hands, which was difficult what with Beatle John snapping his rag below (to the tune of "If I fell in love with you).

After we got to know each other a little better John and Yoko supplied us all with pajamas and me, Dave, Sandy, Judy, Derek, John, and Yoko crawled into bed.  It was a night to remember.  What follows is the account of that memorable evening, recorded by Sony (how's that for a plug for the old country, Yoko?) 

Jim:  Well,  now that we have all gathered unto you, let's ask the first question, which will be -  What was your first sex experience?

John:  Well, the first one I can remember was in school, a junior school and me and a few lads.

Jim:  How old were you?

John:  Oh, probably around six, you know.  I don't remember anything before that really, I mean I supposed your first sex experience is fiddlin' with yourself, but the first of my big episode was a little girl up in entry and we had her knickers down and some guy came along you know, and she ran away.  She was about 4 years old.  All the other guys got caught but me (heh, heh), so that's why I remember it so well.  We were just lookin' and before that, I can't really remember anything.

Jim:  What about after that?  You know, when you were a bit older?

John:  Oh well, when I was about 12, my major experience was the man in the pictures with his mac.  I'd learned from me cousin that you stick pins in him, she was a girl, you see, so she knew all about it, and she told me about stickin' pins, but I didn't have a pin so I punched him, but I was undecided, I was quite excited.  I was halfy-halfy.  I was petrified, as well, I kept telling the mates next to me, "Hey this guy's got his hand up (I still had short trousers), and they would say, "ah, it's just you blabbin' your mouth off again," you know, nobody believed me.  It was all too Mickey Mouse.  That's as far as we go, after 12 we're in danger.  Fuck for peace, folks, fuck for peace.  (Censor's note:   In case anyone is wondering if John Lennon was actually cussing, he pronounces fuck as foock, so as long as he's on this side of the Atlantic he's alright). 

Jim:  How about you, Yoko, what was your first sex experience?

John:  come on Yoko, tell the folks out there about your first sex experience.  And what age was it?

John:  Tell us about the doctor!

Yoko:  O.K.  When I was 9 years old I was in the country evacuating because of the war (The second World War) and all my family was in Tokyo or in Europe, and I was the only one left there staying with my brother and a couple of maids or something.  Well, I got sick and the doctor came and he was coming every day and then at one point he said, "Why don't you close your eyes?"  So I closed my eyes and he started to sort of like say, "Well, does this hurt" and he was pushing my tummy and all that, just like a doctor does, you know.  I kept telling him no, it doesn't hurt but his hand just went going down and he was saying, "does this hurt?"  And I thought well, this is a doctor and I should respect him being the situation and all that.  And then when his hands went down so far, he started to kiss me or something.  And then I opened my eyes and he had kissed me.

John:  On the face, folks!  His hand was in the way.

Yoko:  So I opened my eyes and he said, "you're beautiful, you're beautiful" or something like that.  And I was just sort of stunned, you know.  And he said, "Oh your dear doctor didn't do anything, did he?  He was just examining you, wasn't he?"  So I said, yes, hew as doing that.  He sort of pretended I supposed, I don't know.  IW as so scared and frozen.  And so I think he was sort of turned off by that all and got scared, or something, so he decided to smoke a cigarette and tried to be very cool about it and said, "When are your parents coming back to Tokyo?  Oh, that's right, they were in Europe."  Just small talk and then he finally left.  The minute he left (because that was the first time anybody had ever kissed was a very uncomfortable sort of feeling.  This is in Japan and there isn't any sort of habit of kissing each other unless you're lovers).  I immediately ran to the basin and started to vomit, spit, wash my mouth with soap and all that, I was crying all over and everything.

Jim:  Did you understand what you were doing?

Yoko:  No, no.  I didn't understand at all.  I just felt it was all terribly evil.  The poor doctor was just saying "you're beautiful, you're beautiful," and was very excited, and all that, so maybe he wasn't all that evil.  I don't know, but at that time I thought he was the most evil man in existence.

Jim:  How old were you when you had your first experience with a man, say around your own age?

Yoko:  All right, I just reveal to you the age that I had my first sexual experience, and then you'll understand that I really shouldn't be talking about it.  It was like 24!  That's how old I was.

(At this juncture I had to keep the crowd from overflowing onto the bed gushing forth inanities like "What!  24!!!!"  It was hard to believe, even for the evil and whoresome SCREW crew).

John:  Next question!

Jim:  What's the most disgusting thing you can think of?

John:  I don't know, I mean what's the most disgusting thing you can think of?

Yoko:  Hypocrisy

(Missing page)

Yoko: No, never

Jim:  Were you Catholic?

Yoko:  No, but something almost as strict and puritanical.  There was a little in school...

John:  We spent a whole team leading up to worms making it, and I think they copped out before we got to it.  We'd been waiting for it all the time!  But we never got to it.

Jim:  Worms don't make it, do they?

John:  Well, they do at our school.

Jim:  All they do is shit.  I thought.  Eat at one end and it comes out the other.

John:  No, they sort of wrap themselves up in it.

Sandra:  Aren't they male and female?

John:  Well, maybe they eat themselves, but we had a whole term and never got to the end.  It just sort of ended and we never got to the bit we'd been waiting for.  We all had these questions like, "Isn't it a bit like us?"  We were 14 and 15 by the time we got to that.

Jim:  Did your parents tell you anything?  After you got out of school, what did you do?

Yoko:  I came to the U.S.

Jim:  Oh yeah?

Yoko:  Yes.  I lived in the Village for three years.

Jim:  And you didn't make it with anybody in New York?

John:  Yeah, that's what we don't want to talk about!

Jim:  But I thought you didn't make it until you were 24?

John:  No, she was in Sarah Lawrence school for a long time.  They go out with Harvard doctors up there.

David:  Are you familiar with Yayoi Kusama?

Yoko: Oh yes, of course.

David:  From what I understand she went one way and you went another when you both reached a certain point.

Judy:  We thought you looked like Yayoi from your picture, but close up you're much prettier.

Yoko: Thank you.  She is a very established painter.

(Page missing)

Jim:  What about girls?  What did you think girls had?  Did you know they were different?

John: Oh sure.  I mean cause I was 5 or 7 when I was caught in the entry, or whatever it was.

(Now we're busy capturing history, recording the precious moments while John and Yoko eat away)

Jim: Do you still want to get into the United States?

John:  Sure, I want to see Nixon, to give him an acorn.

Jim:  It seems to me that these aren't the questions SCREW readers want to know about.  Am I a failure at interviewing?

John:  As long as you make me popular, I don't mind.

Jim: The first thing we'll do is move your name up on the masthead.

John:  Thank you.  Keep it moving each week, and if you'll just add Yoko, I'll be most honored.

Sandra:  The mothers of America will never love you anyway.

Jim:  Eventually, the front page of SCREW will read "John Lennon and Yoko Ono present:  SCREW"  How's that?

John:  Thank you very much.  No matter what happens I know that, as a journalist, you'll uphold the very finest traditions of journalism.

Jim:  You know it.  Speaking of knowing it, when did you first hear of SCREW?

John:  I heard about it for months, and then one of our guys came back from New York with it, but by then I'd left.  So it was like that, I'd been hearing about it for some time.  Humor is your greatest weapon.

David:  We've found that if you treat something humorously it goes over much easier and sinks deeper, sex notwithstanding.

John: Yeah, that's the way we're doing our gig.  That is, to do it with a laugh.

Sandra:  If you take yourself too seriously, you don't make it.

John:  We think the whole scene's too serious, that's why SCREW is good.

Jim: Thanks, that's why we're doing SCREW

John:  The whole movement is all a load of intellectual shit.  And all them "Hippie-aware" people are just a gang of snobs.

Jim:  I was once Managing Editor of a paper called the New York Free Press and the main problem with it was it took itself so serious.  If I wanted to say that this cop was kind to children, I'd probably get censored.

John:  Right!  That's where it's at.  Like the Underground in England is so serious.  The International Times is so serious.  The International Times is so serious they won't' even review our records.  Because we made it.  We "sold out" and it's a real laugh.  Now they're talking about changing it and talking about Gandalf and fuckin' Alice in Wonderland.  The Hobbits.

(A couple of people come in and offer everyone bread.  We all accept and Lennon and Yoko involve themselves in eating).

John:  Notice how spontaneous I am?

Jim:  You chew nicely.

John:  But you missed the main bite.

Jim:  No. I've had the tape recorder going all the time, I have every historic mouthful.

John:  I guess it's not often you get a chance like this.

Jim:  You bet.  What's it like to live in a glass bowl?

John:  You get used to it.  We're all in bowls, aren't we?

Jim:  Some of my best friends are in a fruit bowl.

Sandra:  Didn't you know, life was just a bowl of cherries?

John:  You're all mad!

Jim:  Are you guys ever planning to get together again and do something?

John:  I've tried to get them all on the road, but Ringo doesn't want to, so....  I'm not that mad about it, but I'm interested in going out.  So I'm just doing a few gigs with Yoko.

Jim:  There have been insidious rumors abounding in the United States about you guys.  I'm not sure whether I should bring it up or not.

John:  Rumors about the Beatles?

Jim:  Yeah, the rumor is that all the Beatles sleep on the same bed, and it's a round bed.

John:   That's false.  We have different beds every night.

Jim:  We've been trying to squelch that rumor for a long time anyway.

John:  It's just not true.  The Beatles never made it together.

David:  You've just dispelled the American Dream.

John:  Oh, no!

Jim:  It's true.  Everyone thinks you've made it.

John:  Well, ok then, we made it.  But we didn't.

Jim:  Which is your favorite Beatle?

John:  Oh, I don't know.  John's kinda cool, yeah.  I guess I'd pick John.

Jim:  Have you gotten out of bed at all these past few days?

John:  Just to shit and pee.

Jim:  You got that, SCREW readers?  Get close to the mike.

John: Yes, we got out of bed one day and we just SHAT!

Jim:  This is going to be hard to take.  A lot of little girls are going to be very disappointed to find out that a Beatle shits.

John:  I used to wonder about the Queen.

David:  Have you ever heard a girl fart?

John:  I never did hear one.   They were trained at birth.

David:  That's a myth.  I've heard them fart.

John:  Another myth gone.

Jim:  Come on you guys, here lies this invalid, chained to his bed and you sit there calmly breaking up age-old myths in front of his very nose.

John:  Yeah, you telling me all this dirt.  I've come over here and all I get is this crap.

Jim:  You should be ashamed of yourself.

David:  Why did you come to Montreal?

John: Because they wouldn't let me in the States.

David: But you could've gotten in?

(Last page missing)


  1. This interview is as fascinating as it is disturbing. Wow, very strange.